e=mc2 by Gianna Gragnani

My ex-girlfriend did a painting for me and wrote a poem on the back that I thought I'd share with everyone... I'm going to try and get a photo of the painting because it's one of the coolest things I own.

The Confused

E=MC2
A confused man once told me that everything
is relative and paintings
held a bit of the sould
of the person who painted it. I
suppose today this is how I see that man.

Once there was a prince so handsome
and brilliant
everyone fell in love with him,
but the prince was put to a test
to see if he was fit to be king.

A sorcerer came and put a curse on the young prince
and hid the key where only the prince
could find it.

In his aid, a wizard put a sleep
upon the people
and provided the young prince companions
to help him on his quest.

One day he will be free of this.
One day the cursed prince himself shall be king
and the people will awake from their mind numbing slumber
to find that all is well as they had always hoped it would be.

They will never see this.
They will never even know that it existed.

Until then, the prince remains as you see him here,
and I remain at his side. Blessed to be with him
and cursed to not know his fate.

I pray my prince will find his key
and that our lives will be happy, joyous and free.

"DO NOT FRET, MY PRINCE. THERE IS MORE THAN JUST LOVE
THAT CAN SAVE YOU NOW."

- Gianna Gragnani, July 22, 2004

Chilling with Bobby Brawford...

Hanging out in my Reno room playing some cards with Robert "Dead Money" Crawford, from Tucson AZ. I used to play in Phoenix when I was a little younger... that place rocks. Gila River Casino used to give away all sorts of money in their tournaments... not sure if they do any more. They might have wisened up and realized that the real money comes in running awesome tourneys.

Hopefully, I'll be playing the $5k event here in Reno... just about finding the right backer(S). 222.

Cheers all,
Dutch

ps - Played a lot of pool tonight... a lot of people out there don't know that I'm a pretty decent pool player.

AIMless in Reno

I've been at a real loss about what to do with my life sans-the-girl. I'm thinking of all sorts of possibilities. One thing is for sure, though (222). I'm going to be at Tuft's University for their poker championship on April 7th - 10th. A bunch of really cool cats are all vying for the championship... and hopefully, they'll all be going home disappointed. They got a really cool trophy that I intend to win.


So now I'm chilling out with my boys in Reno. A cool cat named Pistol Pete and his boys' Da Supa Chrises. We're going go out tonight and hopefully, we're getting lucky! Cheers all, and if you're in Reno make sure to drop me a line.

If you don't succeed... you will succee

That's an old english-chinese saying. Turns out if you take the "d" off of succeed than it means something pretty bad in chinese. The equivilent of "eat shit". That's how I feel recently.

I had another bout with the big BP. Even taking my medicine... seeing the doctors... didn't turn out to be enough. Gianna called the police and they kindly escorted me to the emergency room (hey... at least no restraints this time), after which I spent five days bouncing around from nurse to clinician to doctor before they finally told me all I had to do was keep doing what I was already doing. Thanks, doc.

I think what triggered it this time was stress. Even though I love Gianna (still), she's adding quite a bit of stress to my life... and I'm adding more than my fair share to hers. I thought working together would be ok even after the break-up, but it's not working out like I thought. Nothing much does these days.

So I've made the decision to call it quits with Fresno and move my ass back to Columbia where I have a better support structure and can watch my little brother Austin grow up. He's four. I'll play online and still try to make it to all the big televised tourneys... and maybe eventually even get back on the tournament trail if I can make this little business of mine succeed.

Yesterday Gianna got so fed up with me that she threw a water glass at me from across the room. I was standing in a doorway. It was truly a matrix moment... time seemed to freeze and I moved my head and body just right to dodge the missile as it crashed into the hallway wall behind me shattering little pieces of glass all around me. Could have been an ugly scene if I didn't dodge that shit. You might say I was pretty close to succee-ing.

Other than all that, though, I'm having a pretty good week. Been doing a lot of thinking about my game and trying frantically to catch up with emails. Also trying to learn to speed read. It's my hope that one day I can be a page-reader, like Bobby Fischer.

For all you men out there who are thinking of getting with an Italian girl... Just make sure that you know what you're getting into. They are fiery little critters, and fun to watch when they're arguing with someone else. But if you cross them, god help you. 222.

Wish you all the best of luck this year. I'll try to be better at putting up new stuff on this blog. It's hard, though, when you've got the kind of issues that I'm dealing with. I'm just happy to know that the heartache cannot continue forever. Going back to Columbia is going to be a good time. I hear they are putting a cardroom in Booneville. But honestly, I don't think I'll have a problem finding games out there. They have a tendency to find me nowadays.

Hope you all had a happy and safe St. Pat's. If you're still celebrating, drink another green beer for me.

Cheers!

What Would Jimmy Do?

It's funny how every time you think life can't get any worse, it does. Tuesday was a rough day. I had driven up to San Jose to play the $10k Shooting Stars tournament. I chilled with Scotty and Danny. Got breakfast with my buddy Red. Then played my heart out for a whole hour and a half. before Toto Leonidas knocked me out.

Getting knocked out of a tournament is always hard, but this one's especially hard because I really believed in my heart that I was going to take it down. I even told Daniel Negreanu that I was going to win. So you can imagine my embarassment when I didn't.

Gianna said it best when she got knocked out of the Copenhagen tourney. "It feels like it didn't even happen.. it feels like this isn't real and I'm down there with my chips still playing in the tourney."

So then the next day I go over to Gianna's to take a bath. She and my brother Bobby (who is still living over there) had gotten two kittens a few weeks ago. G's was called Tiger Lily and Bobby's was a black cat called Hex. Anyway, on to the story...

I'm drawing the bath and then remember that I need to go get my clothes. I head out to my car, get the clothes, and come back into the house. When I get into the bathroom, though, I see that Tiger Lily had jumped into the bathtub and drowned. She was submerged in the steaming hot water and not moving at all.

I was in shock for a split second, but then I snatched her out of the bathtub right quick, brought her onto the carpet, and started doing mouth to mouth on her. She was really hot from the bath water, so I picked her back up and ran some cold water over her from the sink, then back to mouth to mouth. Bobby came out and saw it, and immediately snatches up hex and locked him in his room. I'm trying really hard to save this kitten... turn it upside down so that the water can escape it's lungs. Keep giving it mouth to mouth and then five hard presses on her little kitty chest. That's when Gianna wakes up and sees what I was doing. She just stares at me and says in horror, "what the *blank* happened?!?"

I didn't know what to say. I was really scared she'd think I did it on purpose, or blame me for the accident. And I was feeling really bad about the kitten. I got a little choked up, shook my head, and said "I swear to God, baby, I didn't do it!" Then back to the mouth to mouth.

Gianna started crying frantically and I told her to call a vet. She did, tried to talk to them, but couldn't really get any words out between crying hiccups. So I took the phone and they said there wasn't anything I could do at home and that I could take her to the emergency room. I was thinking of yelling something to the lady, like "LOOK, LADY!!! THIS KITTEN IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?!?" Instead I just kept trying until it was over.

I think anytime something like this happens, it's a weird process that goes on. First you blame everyone else, then you blame yourself, and then you start blaming God and that's a bad path. The craziest thing is that I got that little kitten to start breathing again and it had a pulse again. But it's blood temperature was so high, I really don't think there was anything anyone could have done to save her once she jumped in.

We had a funeral for the kitten. I wrapped her in the shirt I was wearing, which happened to be the same shirt I wore at the tournament. It's "My Lucky Shirt"... at least that's what it says on the front. But it's really not to lucky at all, I guess. So I thought it appropriate to wrap her in the lucky shirt, put her in a shoe box, and bury her in the back yard. Gianna put in a little car that she liked to play with, Bobby put in a memore chip, and I put in a little money so that Tiger Lily could pay the Ferry-man.

Anyway, I hope that's not too disturbing of a story. It was very disturbing to live. Rest in peace Tiger Lily... may we play some day with that great big ball of yarn in the sky.

Get Your Eyes Off My Prize

In San Jose now gearing up for the tournament. I'm approaching this one a little differently. Instead of shooting for first (which is a little greedy), I'm shooting for second. And if I win it, it'll be a pleasant suprise.

Last night I hung out with Danny and Scotty. I met Danny in LA when I was passing through for the San Diego tournament. We had an awesome time as we watched Danny take 1st and 3rd in two big Party tournaments for a $35k night. Funny thing is he probably wouldn't have played last night if he didn't get knocked out of the Shooting Stars on a sick ass beat: pair of aces all-in on the turn against a pair of kings, who proceeds to hit his king on the river.

I know that whatever happens it will be good and I'm going to have an awesome week chilling out here with my bros. The tourney starts in about four hours. Wish me luck!

Day Two at Club One

I think I understand why Phil Hellmuth cries when he gets knocked out of an event. It's very important, I think, to truly believe that you will win every event you play. Or if not that you *WILL* win, at least that you *CAN* win.

Yesterday, I believed it... which is what makes it so hard when you don't finish well. We started with 80 people left and as I looked around the table I could see a couple players who really gave me the impression that they were gunning for me. The first guy who gave me that impression reraised me all-in a few hands into it. I had raised with tens. I decided to call because he only had about a third of my stack and I figured he didn't have me beat. He had KJs. No help for him... seeya next time. I looked down and saw that I was the chip leader at my table.

Maybe a half hour later, I raise with AQo and this guy named Jason reraises all-in. I put him on a weaker ace and ask if he's feeling lucky. He gives me a little smile and a wink, and that's when I know I have him dominated. I call. He turns over A7 and makes a boat. Sick. He tells me later that he "felt" it. Say goodbye to a third of my chips.

I said goodbye to another third when I raised to 18k in the SB with A7o and the BB moved all-in for another 6k. So I called. He turned over A8. The board came 22Q, so it looked like we were probably going to chop it up. Turn : 3. River : 5. Damn.

The next chunk I lost was with KQs. I raised a shorter stacks BB and he called with pocket 33s. No help for my KQ. Goodbye more chips. Now I'm sitting at about 36k and the blinds are 4k-8k with 800 antes. One of the guys I felt was gunning for me decided to limp in utg with AQ. I moved all-in with AK. He calls. Queen right on the flop. Good game guys... seeya later. That's when the tears started.

Just kidding about the tears. There's no crying in poker. But I did feel pretty disappointed. I ended up I think 35th and they paid top 30. I got unlucky, yes... but then I ask myself *WHY*. The problem with believing that everything happens for a reason is that when something bad happens you question the why of it and are usually left coming up empty with reasons.

For whatever reason, I was not meant to win that tournament (or even cash). Friend and fellow Intervault founder Jotham cashed, though, so that's strong. But I know I'm there, and I hope that I'm meant to win the Shooting Stars this week. I'm in the zone so they better watch out.

Made it to Day 2

The Fresno tournament ended up getting pretty close to 300 players. We played down to 80 before breaking for the day. Suprise, suprise... it only took four hours. We start again at noon tomorrow. I have over 60k in chips, and average is something like 37k. Hooray for me!

Made a few cool moves, including one that I was really proud of. It's the fifth level, so the blinds and antes are high enough to matter. I'm in with A7s after trying to make an isolation play. The big blind called and the limper called as well. Grrrr... time to practice those post-flop skills.

The flop comes : 754

Both players check. I figure I have them beat with my top pair, so I bet half the pot. Both call. Hmmmm...

Turn : A

Bingo... just hit my two pair. I bet again when they both check. Big blind calls. Limper finally gives up. So we're headsup.

River : 8

Damn. He lights up like a christmas tree and says those magic words. "I'm all in!" I can't believe it. He's got me covered by a good 15k. What the hell was he playing to have the 8 make his hand? Could he have the 6? Maybe he was playing something like 56s. I start him talking, though, and he seems like he's just a little *too* excited. He's all smiles like he's already won the pot. And there's a little bit of a tension there. So after about 3 minutes of thinking about it, I decide he doesn't have the six and I call for all my chips. He turns over K3. I bring in the mail.

222

In the Arena

I think a poker tournament is a lot like throwing a bunch of gladiators into a ring and seeing what happens. I'm getting ready for a $330 tournament in Fresno that's expecting 300 entrants. It's the minor leagues, and the structure sheet is pretty bad... you start with 10k in chips, but after two hours you're looking at 300-600 blinds with 100 antes. That's 1900 a round in a ten-handed game. That's 190 chips per hand. So at that point if you were able to stay even, you'd have about 50 hands to you. But you'll only have 15 at this level before the blinds shoot up again. Basically, it's very fast. There are about two hours when the blinds are small enough to see some action. Then it's moving at a sick rate... I wouldn't expect there to be 80 players after 5 hours (that's what they said they were playing to). It'd be nice if the blinds lasted more like an hour, and they didn't skip the 25 chip ante levels.

I'm watching Howard Lederer's seminar DVDs. I'll let you know what I think.

Near Death Experience

I forgot about something crazy that happened last night. Bobby and I were driving back to Fresno on a state highway. It was only a two-lane highway, but the speed limit was 65. It's nighttime and we're coming over this hill when we see two sets of headlights coming our way. One of the cars decided to pass even though it was a solid yellow line. So we swerve a little to the right and he swerves back into his lane between two cars. We came about 4 feet from hitting each other head-on.

It really got me thinking about life and everything after that happened. It was a close one, and I kept thinking... WOW. That might have been it. In some parallel universe somewhere Bobby and I just bit it. No more poker, no more cool songs... no more movies, or sushi, or smoothies, or kissing, or anything. No more life. It made me think even more that it's so important to stay in the moment and appreciate what we have.

Back in Fresno

It's always nice to come back home after busting out of a major tournament. I've thought a lot about the San Diego event and it's hard not to beat myself up for not being able to lay those pocket ladies down preflop. All I can say is that I really thought he had Jacks or AK. If I win that pot, I think I'd have been the chip leader with over $150k. But even if he has Jacks... I say lay it down and wait for a more clear spot.

After the tournament I did an exit interview with ESPN. We talked a lot about the inner game of poker. If they're going to use a quote, I think they'll use this one. "Poker is the ultimate battle with one's self." Spent about an hour talking about that theme... started dipping into me having bi-polar disorder, and whether or not it's conducive to the life of a poker player. I said poker was very bi-polar... you have extreme highs and extreme lows. We'll see if any of it actually makes the broadcast.

Now it's time to put it behind me and focus on work for a few days before going out to the Shooting Stars $10k. I think it's ok to bust out of a tournament as long as you learn something from every one you play... and I learned some important things. I don't think I've ever been more on my game then right now, and I am really looking forward to the rest of the year.

Chilled a little with Gianna last night. Her birthday is on the 29th of February, which didn't show up this year. So she celebrates it on the 28th and the 1st. We stayed up a little and watched some TV. It's going to be sad when she starts dating someone else and I'm left to just remember our times together... I guess that's the way it goes, though.